My Power, My Pain

This poem was written from a place of motherhood/parenthood exhaustion, actually in the moment. The writing of the poem is what helped me in that moment. I look back at this poem now, and remember, oh yes, there were such struggles there that I have overcome and fogotten by now at this posting. "And it came to pass"...you hear in the scriptures, not "And it came to stay". Enjoy the rawness, the duality of love and joy with pain and suffering, having to coexist sometimes. 

I look out this window, baby in hand

And I see lights on houses but not in my land

My land is barren now, I’m all empty

I lost my fire somewhere between scarce and plenty

My plenty was drunk up with screams and shouts

My plenty went in and stayed, because it was never let out

I thought I was doing just fine, I was basking in sunshine

I used to love the sounds, I used to hug and kiss mine

But now the pulses of sound send my heart racing

Creating moments of anger, I’m resolving and erasing

I’m still unsteady after thinking and digging

I dig dig dig and still can’t find; I’m longing

I’m longing for the peace, the content mindset

Instead, I just still want my kids, me, to forget

Leave me alone, give me silence, 

Still They fight, they try my resilience

I try to go forward and live as though I have arrived

“Make a smoothie then do as you’ve contrived”

Create, bring, think, learn, energize, 

But where is the time, but also I realize

That my ideal day might describe a motherless woman

But that’s not really what I want, I don’t want to be some showman

I want to be a happy mother, one that’s peaceful and loving

Yet it’s hard to realize I get frustrated and my flaws are showing

There’s nothing I can hide behind—no job, no theme park

This is me, stripped bare, and exposed, it might be stark

Yet, that’s where I become someone better

That’s where I learn to control my insides not just my letter

I’d like to control the circumstance—children that just don’t scream

I’d like to have kids that are sweet, patient, kind, and like a dream

Then, I could easily love them, be proud of something perfect

And then the eternal truth comes in—no one is ever perfect

That is the point, that’s the challenge here

To love someone or something when the reason is unclear

Why do I love a creature that screams, yells, and hurts my heart

Why do I love a job of drudgery, monotony, servitude, devoid of art

Subordinance, is it fun? Dishes, is that progressive? Cleaning, is that my desire?

Did she figure it out? Did she transcend the motherhood ring of fire?

What shall I do? So I can be more humble? Because that is probably it

It comes down to humility, can I take a hit?

Can I take one for the bigger picture, the greater good?

What greater good? For heaven, for eternal priesthood

I am a woman. What does that mean for us? 

What is my gender role, what is my purpose?

My purpose is from God, my gifts, he gave me

I love to create—music, ideas, and poetry

I must continue to aspire in my strengths

No time for getting stuck and for silly pranks

No time to give to the negative, which is Satan

I can do hard things, I’m strong like an iron pan

If I listen to what God wants from me, I can soar

If I listen to his strength inside of me, pain is no more

I can use the power, the atonement, the tools

I can pray, I can hope, and not cower like fools

I am a mother, and that is my power, and my pain

Anything worth while isn’t easy, but it’s worth my gain